Embracing Life’s Struggle
Don’t let what you never had hold you back.
Surviving complex childhood trauma is not easy, whether your circumstances were the absence of love, basic needs, stability, abuse or that struggle to rise above prejudices and disability.
Perseverance, work, self-improvement: it takes work — effort. You’ve probably heard a hundred times — “No one ever said life would be easy.” Well, that epithet never did me any good. Today, I wish someone had been bold enough to tell me the real truth — which is I’m afraid to say — “No one gives a shit about your pain and your struggles.” Sure, you can get support, but in the end, if life has dealt you a bad hand, you are the only one who can make something out of your life. Being bitter about what was taken away from you, dwelling on how you were robbed and how so-and-so really doesn’t deserve that opportunity any more than you — well it doesn’t change anything and robs you of your precious time and energy.
What’s the key to keeping going? I believe it has to be feeling good about yourself, regardless of external circumstances. External validation is always precarious. That significant other, that social media praise, that job, what you see in the mirror — these things are always liable to trip you up, bring you down. And if, like Victor Frankl (Man’s Search for Meaning), your life is defined by existence in a Nazi concentration camp, only an inner world and purpose can keep you going.
The problem for the complex trauma survivor, is that their self-image is already very low. A void in confidence and purpose rooted in childhood can have debilitating lifelong effects. Nihilism, that feeling of “what’s the point?”, that lack of purpose and meaning, makes optimism hard to find, certainly hard to feel with any genuine enthusiasm. So feeling good about yourself is extra-tough. Everything you see around you reminds you how low you are compared to the presentations of others. You feel low in physical appearance, capability, low in achievement, low in charisma, low in luck etcetera. The world seems out to get you too. Societal norms seem stacked against you.
I’m not going to do is tell you that these things aren’t real. What I am going to tell you, is that you can rise above it, you can change that perspective, you can change that narrative. What I want you to do, is get there as quickly as possible, so that you are not in your 50s or later looking back at all the time wasted, and efforts not made, in the furthering of your many gifts and potential. And you do indeed have those gifts. And one of those gifts, maybe one of the greatest, is your pain. It can be a source of great power and success, because helping others reach their potential is certainly a path to helping yourself.
Also remember you are not alone. There are millions of people in the world suffering from unaddressed, unexamined trauma. Those of us with the greatest pain, have the greatest opportunity to light the way for others to be freed from their own pain. Of course, that doesn’t mean you have to become a therapist or an inspirational speaker. Rather find your inner strength to persevere, work hard to improve your mind and your body. There has never been an easier time in human history to study and acquire new skills. I admire anyone who has to pay their way through college, holding down several jobs. But college isn’t the only path to success. So go easy on yourself. Sharpen your mind and your knowledge with books and online courses. Approach the acquisition of skills as if you were training for a marathon. If you stay humble enough to learn with true dedication, you will be a light to inspire others around you. Opportunity will come for you no matter what.